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And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.
Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
665: Neighbor of the Beast.
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! - Fabulous Furry Freak Bros
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
So you say money doesn't motivate you. What does? I'll buy it for you!
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing our living rooms.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.
If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, it's you.
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!
By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Eschew Obfuscation.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...
There's no future in time travel.
Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I!
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
My greatest fear in life is that no one will remember me after I'm dead. - some dead guy
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
666A, 666B - Tenants of the Beast.
766: Upstairs neighbor of the Beast.
Tofu - the other white meat substitute.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Iguana: The other green meat.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again."
Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Today's subliminal thought is:
This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.
Above all else: Sky.
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
"Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in my mouth." - God
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.
A rock --> me <-- A hard place
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
Opportunity knocks only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a Jehovah's witness.
Assassins do it from behind.
Copyright 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phone less cord.
The wages of sin are eternal damnation. (the hours are good though)
The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.
ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Get your mind out of the sewer and into the gutter with the rest of us.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. - Tallulah Bankhead
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it.
At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
'I'm not sure who he is, but I've heard he's got his hand in a lot of things.'- Kermit The Frog, about Jim Henson.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".
SUSHIDO: The way of the Tuna.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a coffee and a mop.
Repaint! Repaint! And never thin again!
Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively have to stay up all night.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Customer: Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
Waiter: It should, sir, it was ground this morning.
Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.
Necrophilia means never having to say... well, anything!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
You say tomato, I say ketchup.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Statistics are like bikinis. What they conceal is more important than what they reveal.
Bacon & Eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.
Why am I frowning? It takes 42 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise!
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.
This message was sent to you via email in much the same way bricks aren't.
'Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January.' --Scottish saying
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
There's a typo in this sentence, but it slides away when your eyes move toward it.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza
Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.
Time flies when you're in a coma.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951.
"It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
Seen on a fly swatter, 'Pest Doctors - All our patients die. Use this until we get there.'
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
Condense soup, not books
The score was Hydrogen: 2 and Oxygen: 1 when the game was called because of rain.
Forest fires only lead to Smokey Bear - prevent them!
Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
We reserve the right to arm bears.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.
I doubt therefore I might be.
"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
To kiss a fool is bad. To let a fool kiss you is even worse.
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, But a friend with weed is better.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.
I guess surrealism's not your cup of tuna.
A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less...
60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.
Only Users Lose Drugs...
Don't abuse marijuana... smoke it gently and carefully.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
It's so cold here, the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets!
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so great myself.
He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on!
All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
Pave the planet! One world. One people. One slab of asphalt.
Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.
Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass.
"An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien
When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was suprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM, the doctor nearly had a heart attack!
Today, my marker board reads: 'This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week.' It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.
"Streakers *repant* your end is in sight."
Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.
I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.
We now return you to abnormal programming.
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!
'Bother!' said Pooh, as he uncovered a hive of Smurfs.
I'm gonna survive or die trying.
Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
The only people to get even with are those that have helped you.
Man must exist in a state of balance between risk and safety. Pure risk leads to self-destruction. Pure safety leads to stagnation. In between lies survival and progress.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
The smallest good deed is better than the greatest intention.
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. - Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
You ARE what you eat.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
A word to the wise is unnecessary. - La Rouchefoucauld
Champagne for my true friends and true pain for my sham friends!
War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.
Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. - David Knuth
"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." - Bert Leston Taylor
A watched clock never boils.
DEATH to all fanatics.
Zen meditation isn't what you think...
Silence is not always golden... sometimes it is yellow.
You know what? I'm glad I'm not a laboratory animal. Do you have any idea how many of those little bastards get cancer?
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Love letters, business contracts and money always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.
640 Kilobytes of computer memory ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates,
1981
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could. - Orson Welles
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." - Ashleigh Brilliant
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. - Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve immortality by not dying. - Woody Allen
"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." (Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.)
"Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?" - Marilyn Monroe
"I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night..." - Andre Botes
"When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half." - Gracie Allen
Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well-informed about the United States. - J. Bartlett Brebner
Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." - General John Sedgwick, Union commander in the Civil War, speaking his last words as he was watching enemy troops during the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. - Oscar Wilde
"People think that being famous is just about having your picture taken all the time and being rich rich rich, and you know what?... They're absolutely right." - Madonna
"Winston, you are drunk." - Lady Astor
"Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober"
- Winston Churchill
'We the unwilling, led by the unknowing have been doing the difficult with little for so long that we are now ready to tackle the impossible with nothing.' -- Local Fire communications reserve volunteer motto
"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over." - Edna St. Vincent Milay
Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!"
You know what would be great? If you figured out what infinity equalled, then you'd be famous. Until some idiot comes by and adds one. - So sayeth Fyre
I only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. - Scott Adams
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. Eventually I was an only child. - Steven Wright
I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public." -Bryan White
I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar
Allen Poe
Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can
see your lips moving. - Penn Jillette
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can. All of them make me laugh. - W.H. Auden
I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. - Anne Frank
Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. - Cyril Connolly
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
'Talk not of wasted affection. Affection was never wasted.' - Longfellow
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill
"Men don't care what's on TV. They care about what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld
Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training. - Anna Freud
"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." - some dead guy.
There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing. - A. Whitney Brown, The Big Picture
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." - Jeff Stilson
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. - J. Edgar Hoover
"Nothing that results from human progress is achieved with unanimous consent. And those who are enlightened before the others are condemned to pursue that light in spite of others." - Christopher Columbus
"In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science, one gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact." - Mark Twain
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost
"It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen" - Dolly Parton
"Life is tough, it's tougher when you're stupid." - John Wayne
I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom." -- Bob Hope
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as it nothing had happened" - Winston Churchill
All that is necessary for the forces of evil to take root in the world is for enough good men to do nothing. - Edmund Burke
"How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" - Alex Trebek
I don't really enjoy sex. I just pretend I do to get girls to sleep with me. - Byron Alley
"I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people
like me as members" - Groucho Marx
"When I got to the top of Everest, I was tired." - Aracelli Segarra
Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah. - Allison Raul
Common sense is that layer of prejudices which we acquire before we are sixteen. - Albert Einstein
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. - Oscar Wilde
"Take a breath, Al... Inhale." - Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al Gore during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
"Big Brother is watching" - George Orwell (1984)
'Aut vincere aut mori.' Traditional McCabe motto (do or die).
Reader, suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. - Mark Twain
'Ninety-nine percent of the people in the world are fools, and the rest of us are in great danger of contagion.' -Thornton Wilder
And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your night-dress. - Basil Fawlty
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will. - Aleister Crowley
"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public." - Bryan White
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. - Dave Barry
"Justice will only be achieved when those who are not injured by crime feel as indignant as those who are." - King Solomon
Loyalty isn't standing by someone when he's right... that's good judgement. Loyalty is standing by someone when he's wrong. - Susan Estrich
Being right too soon is socially unacceptable. - Robert A. Heinlein
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
I love scandals about other people, but scandals about myself don't interest me. They have got no charm of novelty. - Oscar Wilde
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. - John Lennon
'Times fun when you're having flies' ~ Kermit the Frog
"I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light." - Woody Allen
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. - Mark Twain
'If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if
he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.' - Francis
Bacon
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow
in Australia." - Charles Schultz
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. - Woody Allen
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing. - Robert A. Heinlein
"When I was drafted I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!" - Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H
There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant
Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously! - Nietzsche
Brevity is the soul of lingerie. - Dorothy Parker
"I tried to wrestle my inner demons once... but they used to many illegal holds." - Amanda McAllister
There won't be anything we won't say to people to try and convince them that our way is the way to go. - Bill Gates
And the sea will grant each man new hope, as sleep brings dreams of home. - Christopher Columbus.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Have you any idea how successful censorship is on TV? Don't know the answer? Hmm. Successful. Isn't it? - Max Headroom
Oh, well. She's dead. Let's move on, shall we? - Willy Wonka
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff - it is a palliative rather than a remedy. - Peter De Vries
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres
"Once in Africa I lost the corkscrew and we were forced to live off food and water for weeks." - Ernest Hemingway
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving words in evidence of the fact. - George Elliot
Children should neither be seen nor heard from... ever again. - W. C. Fields
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. - Napoleon Bonaparte
"There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them." - Dave Barry
For many years I was a self-appointed spectator of snow storms and rain storms, and did my duty faithfully, though I never received one cent for it. -Thoreau
'Failure is not falling down, it is not gettnig up again.' Mary Pickford
Millions yearn for immorality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence
long enough to get money from it. - Stephen Butler Leacock
"A woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is a utilitarian. It's
for gettin' around. It's like a Jeep." - Elain on Seinfeld, on why men
shouldn't walk around naked.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. - David Letterman
A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by. - Christopher Morley
"If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut." (Albert Einstein)
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright
"God is dead." - Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead" - God
Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones. - Charles Caleb Colton
"Great spirits often meet violent opposition with mediocre minds" - Albert Einstein
I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. --Voltaire
"The weather in Central Park is still there. And it's cloudy." - John Lennon doing the weather report on WNEW New York radio, 1974
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." - Gandhi
"I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King
"A career is a wonderful thing, but you can't snuggle up to it on a cold night." - Marilyn Monroe
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." - Albert Einstein
"A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty-three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House" - Conan O'Brien
"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears
'No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to unchartered land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit.' -- Helen Keller
"To err is human, but it feels divine!" - Mae West
"I don't read books, but I have friends who do." -Presidential Candidate George W. Bush
The number you have reached is not the number you have dialed. Please hang up and try again. However, if you reach this recording again, then you must have dialed the correct number. Leave a message at the beep!
I'm not. You are. I will be. So leave a message so I can when I am.
Hello. Here are my answers to last weeks messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays.
This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you don't leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Hi. Now you say something.
These words are lovely dark and deep but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep so leave a message at the beep.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in "A Clockwork Orange"] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's not in now - he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of pretty polly - some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties. Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get back to thee later, righty-right.
This is the Time Travelling Agency's answering machine. We're closed right now but leave a message before the beep and we might have called you back.
Hi, we are probably at home we are just screening our call to avoid someone we don't like, leave a message and if we don't call back it was you!
Hi! Dave's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Please leave a tone after the message.
(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message."
Roses are red, Cactus are green; This is my telephone answering machine. If you'd like to leave a message, that's ok. I'm not here - I ran away. Leave your name and number after the tone, and I'll call you, when they drag me home.
As you can see, we're not at home. So leave a message at the sound of the tone. If you're a burglar we're not gone at all. We're cleaning our shotguns and screening your call.
This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic thought recording device. At the beep, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. We'll think about calling you back.
A is for Academics B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here.
... if you want to send a fax... buy me a fax machine.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Yoda's answering machine, this is. Leave a message, you might and call you back, he will.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialled the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know
who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, just hang up.
Lucifer Speaking. Who in hell do you want?
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
Hello, you've reached the psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessive/compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3, 4, and 5. If you are simply paranoid, just stay on the line - we know who you are.
Hi, sorry I can't come to the phone right now. If you want to leave your
name and number, I'll phone you back. If you want to leave a fax, buy me a
fax machine.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down. - Robert Benchley
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. - Ellen Perry Berkeley
You should always go to a vet who is also a taxidermist. Either way, you get your dog back.
In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. - Joseph Wood Krutch
You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. - Missy Dizick
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
'A dog may be the only opportunity a human has to choose a relative.' -- Mordecai Siegal
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right. - Terry Pratchett
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want. - Joseph Wood Krutch
'Happiness is a warm puppy' - Charles Schultz (1922-2000)
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. -
Albert Schweitzer
I finally maneged to teach my dog to beg. Last night he came home with $15.00
Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverb
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
"ANY question addresed to a cat can be counted rhetorical." - E. Miller
Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson
It may be called puppy love, but it's real to the puppy.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Time spent with cats is never wasted. - Colette
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. - Dave Barry
"ANY question addresed to a cat can be counted rhetorical." - E. Miller
One cat just leads to another. - Ernest Hemingway
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. - John S. Nichols
Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! - Dr. T.C.
Unless you are the lead sled dog, the view never changes.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine
Curiosity didn't kill the cat, I got him with a 12-gauge.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey
Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly. - Arnold Edinborough
Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.
Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill
Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
Some days you're the dog. Some days you're the hydrant.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But put him in a car and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats. - Colonial American proverb
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton
You know it's time to shave your legs when the cat uses them for scratching
behind its ears.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Driver carries no cash: He's married!
I need patience. NOW!
If you don't like the way I'm driving, YOU come get these handcuffs off!
I brake for hallucinations.
Attention: Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left.
Witches' Parking - All others Toad.
Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.
Back off, I'm a postal worker.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
I brake for No Apparent Reason.
Hang up and drive!
I may not believe what your bumper sticker says, but I will defend to the end your right to stick it!
Jesus is coming - Look Busy!
I want to die in my sleep like grandpa, not terrified and screaming like his passengers.
My other vehicle is a broom stick.
This is a sign written on a back of a truck: Overtakers beware, you might meet the Undertaker
My Other car is a beater (On the back of a beater).
Prevent inbreeding - ban country music.
My kid was Prisoner of the Month at Orange County Jail.
Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you're squinting to read it.
'Smile, I could be behind you!' - on Police Motorcycle license frame- Visalia, CA
Jesus, protect me from your followers!
Honk if you love Hanson. Then run into a tree.
Supporting America's Militant Agnostics... we don't know, and you don't either.
Keep honking - I'm reloading.
You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
i souport publik edekasion.
My President slept with your honor student.
I drive this way just to piss you off.
Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
Honk if you love N Sync! (then go drive off a cliff)
Pray for whirled peas.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
My karma ran over your dogma.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!
"No, YOU suck" - the mean people.
Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
I wonder if you'd drive any better with that car phone up your butt?
Work harder: Millions on welfare depend on you.
Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it.
My car does 0 - 60mph in 5 miles!
Honk if you're a goose.
No Radio - Already Stolen.
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Forget About World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Drive defensively - buy a tank.
Do not wash this car. It is undergoing a scientific dirt experiment.
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! (seen on the back on a wheelchair)
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember...
Horn broken, watch for finger.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
My Governor can beat up your Governor. (Minnesota bumper sticker)
Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking.
I don't drive fast, I fly low.
On the back of an old pickup: If this truck was a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.
Honk if you like obscene gestures!
You go on ahead, I'll see you at the next light.
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?
If you can read this, the bitch fell off. (on the back of a biker's T-shirt).
I'm not tailgating, I'm drafting!
My truck is not leaking, it's marking its territory.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
Millions of sperm and YOU were the fastest?
To keep your kids safe: Love them at home, belt them in the car.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
Zero to bitch in 2.4 seconds.
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.
Bad cop. No doughnut.
I drive waaay too fast to worry about cholesterol.
(On a VW being pulled by an RV) Don't honk, I'm pushing as hard as I can.
New Bumper Sticker cropping up in NY (Democrats use the rear bumper - Republicans have it on the front of their cars!) "Run, Hillary, Run."
Born free... Taxed to death.
Honk your brains out, it wont take long.
Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get.
Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later)
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
I don't trust President Clinton (or her husband).
I love animals, especially in a good gravy.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I bought this car on credit - 20% down and the balance on receipt of threatening letters.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
'YES this is my truck. NO I wont help you move.'
Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
So many pedestrians, so little time!
Don't Annoy The Crazy Person.
Don't Laugh, your daughter may be in here.
I got this motor home for my wife. BEST deal I ever made!
I brake for tailgaters. Hard.
If you can read this, you are in phaser range.
(On the back of a VW Beetle) Don't honk, I'm peddling as fast as I can.
Woman make great leaders, you're following one.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
(license plate holder on a 1983 Toyota Tercel) "Undercover Princess"
'Next time wave all your fingers at me!'
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Jesus saves - Gretzky gets the rebound and scores!
If this car is being driven safely, call the cops - it's been stolen!
You may touch the dust just don't write in it.
Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship
I may be slow but I'm ahead of you!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.
See on small car: 'When I grow up, I want to be a Truck'
Go with God. (my car's full...)
You! Out of the gene pool!
My kid beat up your honor student.
(Upside down on the bumper of a Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip Jeep Over.
Ankh if you love Isis.
Single Women Can't fart, They Don't get A**holes till they Marry.
Dear Lord, please save me from your followers.
Seen on a muddy lorry: "I wish my wife was as dirty as this!"
I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?
Don't tailgate, I'll flick a booger on your windshield.
Seen on a Jeep, posted upside down, "If you can read this, flip me
back over."
On the back of beatup pickup truck, being driven by a guy with a big hat -
I ain't no cowboy, I just found this hat.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say: "Honk if..."
When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights.
D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.
Don't run your fingers over my truck and I won't run my truck over your fingers.
"... leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, dancing leads to sex" - Yoda, Puritan Master
The Force. It surrounds us. It enfolds us. It gets us dates on Saturday Nights. - Obi Wan Kenobi, Famous Jedi Knight and Party Animal.
The force is like Duct Tape - it has a dark side, it has a light side, and it binds the universe together!
Yoda of Borg are we: Futile is resistance. Assimilate you, we will.
When 900 years old you reach, look as good, you will not. - Yoda
Ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which I will not put! - Yoda's High School English teacher.
Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. -Ben Kenobi, 'The Return of the Jedi'
Princess Leia: @(-_-)@
I have a very bad feeling about this. - Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Han Solo, C3PO
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
Black holes were created when God divided by 0.
"Today, everybody remembers Galileo. How many can name the bishops and professors who refused to look through his telescope?" - James Hogan, Mind Matters
ebius coolsig. This is a moebius coolsig. This is a mo ...
In The Beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
The square root of three equals two for large values of three. - found in a bathroom in the Cornell Physics department
"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." - Carl Sagan
Nature abhors a vacuum. So does my sister's dog.
The law of gravity says, "no fair jumping without coming down"
A bristlecone pine is just a fire's way of making another fire.
Scientists have discovered that time is not real, that we only live in the current moment. But then according to that, they haven't done the research, and don't have anything to back them up.
Black holes suck.
Geologists rock your world.
The most important part of a microbiologist's job is not letting the little things get to him.
May the torque be about you.
2nd Law of Thermodynamics: Chaos will Reign.
I like angles, but only to a degree.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain. And as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. - Einstein
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
Entropy: Not just a fad, it's the future!
Gravity isn't MY fault--I voted for velcro!
Why, if heat rises, are mountain tops so friggin' cold?
Biology grows on you.
31.69 nHz = once a year.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers but to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up...
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" but "That's funny..."' - Isaac Asimov
Gravity... not just a good idea: It's the law.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix - PLEASE don't drink and derive.
That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. - Calvin (& Hobbes)
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Einstein never accepted quantum mechanics because of this element of chance and uncertainty. He said: God does not play dice. It seems that Einstein was doubly wrong. The quantum effects of black holes suggests that not only does God play dice, He sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen. - Steven Hawking
Geology: Subduction leads to Orogeny.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
If the Earth is the size of a pea in New York, then the Sun is a beachball 50m away, Pluto is 4km away, and the next nearest star is in Tokyo. Now shrink Pluto's orbit into a coffee cup, then our Milky Way Galaxy fills North America.
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
The Three Laws Of Thermodynamics, God Shoots Dice Style: First Law: You can't win. Second Law: You can't break even. Third Law: You can't even get out of the game.
Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Particle physicists are always trying to hold a meeting, but whenever they decide on a place, the time changes.
The Benoit/Blamey Theory of Thermo-Sock-Dynamics: Why bother to do laundry, when the inevitable loss of a sock will just increase entropy and contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe anyway?
Resolving a transformation is like cleaning a barn - it's hard to get started, but when you're good and dirty, you might as well keep going.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
A red sign on the door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're going too fast.'
Entropy - it's a tough job, but somebody's got to undo it.
Barium: What you do with dead chemists.
Be careful with water -- it's full of hydrogen and oxygen!
Little Johnny was a scientist. Little Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How can there be self-help GROUPS?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
If you had a million Shakespeare's, would they write like a monkey?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Why do they call it life insurance?
Is Lever 2000 soap Y2K compliant?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?' - George Carlin
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
After heat killed bad germs, where do they go? Obviously not in heaven, since they've been bad. Surely then can't go to hell, for the heat would kill them again(?)...
When it rains, how come cows don't knock on the farmer's door and say, "Hey, let us in, we're all wearing leather out here!"
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? - George Carlin
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Why are haemorrhoids called 'haemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
What's the speed of dark?
If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be?
May I refuse to inherit the earth?
In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Is a metaphor like a simile?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
How come on the show 'Family Matters' two of the kids just dissappeard... they were there one season and gone the next... makes you wonder if family really does matter?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Shouldn't the cosmic stupidity hopper be empty by now?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
If 7-11 is open 24-7 and 365 days a year why do they have locks on their doors?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth?
Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving on?
Whenever you're holding all the cards, why does everyone else turn out to be playing chess?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Is there another word for synonym?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why do they report power outages on TV? - George Carlin
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? - And if so, aren't we all masochists?
Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment
but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
How can someone draw a blank?
How come they call them Tuna fish but not beef mammal or chicken bird?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? - George Carlin
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it that when you are on the telephone, writing furiously and holding a finger up to tell the person who just came into your office to hold on a second, they ask: Do you have a minute?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?
What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
If knowledge is power and power corrupts, doesn't knowledge corrupt?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?
On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
If a tree falls on a mime in the forest, does anyone care?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
How do you know when yogurt goes bad?
If you mix milk of magnesia with vodka and orange juice, do you get a Phillip's screw driver?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
With interactive TV will I be able to slap Rush Limbaugh?
Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?
Why is there only one monopolies and mergers commission?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask "do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"...
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
How come the bullets that work are fired, and the ones that don't work are not?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
"So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?"
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
Why did Mr. & Mrs. Howell pack so much clothing for a three hour tour?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?
Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
Why aren't there ever any GUILTY bystanders?
How can you be ALONE with somebody? Think about it...
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
How do you remove a club soda stain?
Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?
Why do hotdogs' come in a package 12 and the hotdog rolls come in a package of 8?
If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If you get wrapping paper for a present, how do you know when to stop unwrapping?
If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
What happened to the first 6 'ups'?
If our legs were hinged the other way, what would furniture look like?
Why do doctors call what they do practice?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
What year did Jesus think it was?
Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
If they're psychic and I need them so much, why don't they just phone me?
If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
How much would they pay the matador if the bull had no horns?
If atheists say there is no God, who do they think pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? - George Carlin
Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
Why Do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Does a person ever get sick without being tired?
Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If we are here on earth to help others, what on earth are the others here for?
If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
If you saw with a sawhorse, do you seesaw with a seahorse?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
What the heck is a near-miss? If you nearly miss something, don't you hit it?
If you try to fail, and then succeed, what've you really done?
If Snow White and Cinderella both married Prince Charming, did they marry the same guy?
If knowledge is power, and power corrupts, and corruption is crime, and crime doesnt pay... Does knowledge, in the end, leave you broke?
If variety is the spice of life, why do we use cinnamon?
why is ice always colder than popsicles?
How can there be a limited lifetime warranty?
How come in Scooby Doo Fred and Daphne were always on the same team and Velma, Scooby and Shaggy were always on the same team? Doesn't seem quite right now that you think about it, does it?
Why do they call it instant credit when it actually means instant debt?
"What's on the mind when sober, is on the tongue when not." - Josh
Seidel
Some people have six pack abdomens. He has a keg.
The best days to drink alcohol are days that end in the letter, "Y".
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking alcohol, I bet it makes it shoot out your nose.
Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Give a man a drink, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to drink, he'll waste a lifetime.
Irish I had another drink.
Whiskey was invented so the Irish wouldn't rule the world.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system
Milk Sucks, Got Beer?
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra
Many people die of thirst - but the Irish are born with one.
A man drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank him.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? - W.C. Fields
Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!
Alcohol is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. - Humphrey Bogart
Once during prohibition, I was forced to live on nothing but food and water. - W.C. Fields
You can't be a real country unless you have a alcohol and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a alcohol. - Frank Zappa
One more and I'll be under the host - Dorothy Parker
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman
You are drunk when you feel sophisticated but you can't pronounce it.
Alcohol - So much more than just a breakfast drink.
Alcohol: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!
Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Alcohol - The reason I wake up every afternoon.
If God had intended us to drink coffee, He would have given us stomachs.
To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza. - Dave Barry
I have a drink to celebrate the little things. Like Tuesdays - we only have one of those a week!
Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over white wine.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. - Oscar Wilde
There are only two times when I drink alcohol, when I'm alone and when I'm with someone else.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
As a rule, I don't drink -- as a habit, I do!
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the woods when they saw a golden frog. The frog said 'I don't see many people, but when I do I grant them three wishes. The bear looks at the rabbit and says 'That means three each'. The bear then says, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The rabbit wishes for a motorbike. The bear looks at the rabbit, then says, "in fact, I wish all the bears in the next forest were female, too." The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear (getting a bit carried away), "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!!" Then, the rabbit puts on the helmet, revs the bike and says, "I wish that bear right there was gay" and rides away.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
Tea or coffee?
Coffee, without cream, please.
It will be without milk, we have no cream.
Called up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms regional office and asked: What wine goes best with an M-16? The guy who answered did his best to be helpful: That depends. What are you smoking?
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'
The quantity of consonants in the English language remains constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. i.e.: When a Bostonian 'pahks' his 'cah,' the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to 'warsh' his car and invest in 'erl wells.'
It goes without saying that the Big Sittin' Goose Decoy Blind, a product that we are not making up, is designed for hunters. The hunter reclines in a sort of beach chair, then pulls the giant goose body down over his face, making himself virtually invisible, except for the fact that his arms and legs and gun are clearly sticking out. The idea is that when geese fly overhead, they look down and think: Hey! There's a person down there engaging in an act of perversion with a giant goose! Naturally the geese want to fly down and take a closer look. Anybody would. - Dave Barry
A ship was carrying a cargo of yo-yos, bound for San Francisco from Hong Kong. It was hit by a typhoon and sank twenty-three times.
Ms Piggy's last words, 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham.
Do you prefer Spanish, French or Italian cooking? I don't mind. I want a boiled egg.
'This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602. 'If you look out of the windows on the side of the plane, you will observe that both engines are on fire. If you look out the windows on the other side you can see that the wing has fallen off. If you look towards the ocean you will see three people waving from a bright yellow lifeboat. That's me, the co-pilot and one of the stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!'
Bill and Hillary Clinton were out for a walk, when Hillary exclaimed: Bill, I used to date that man! Realizing that she was pointing to a gas jockey, Bill exclaimed: Wow, just think, you could have been married to a gas jockey! Hillary's answer: Actually Bill, just think - that man could have been President of the United States!
Two brunettes and a blonde just broke out of jail, while running from the police they run into an old barn to hide. The first brunette hid up in the loft, the second brunette hid in the stalls, and the blonde hid in a potato sack. The police ran in. One cop ran up to the loft and the brunette says, 'meowwwww'. 'Nothing but a little cat up here' says the cop. 'Okay, let's go check the stalls' So the other brunette says 'moooooooooo'. 'Oh, nothing here but a cow'. 'okay, lets go check over there by that potato sack' so they go over there and the blonde says 'potatoooo'
Hickory, dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.
Notes for a ballet, 'The Spell': Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman - unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes...
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: God told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT!
Do you know the difference between God and a neurosurgeon? God doesn't think he is a neurosurgeon!
A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Flush twice. L.A. needs the water.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
Reason to smile: statistics say that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge: mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and
are too young to borrow the family car.
Reject Hallmark Cards
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having
met you, I've changed my mind.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your Sister.
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder-what the fuck was I thinking?
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected. And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
Sex with you is like using drugs-lots of people do it, but nobody' stupid enough to admit it.
The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating ass.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell until I met you.
We have been friends for a very long time. Let's say we call it quits.
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
If you ever need a friend ... buy a dog.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the
father was?
Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald
cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your
house lands on a witch.
Let's face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility that this could also be the *last* day of the rest of your life.
Sometimes I think astronauts are the luckiest people on earth, but only when they're in space.
I think it says a lot about our nation's skewed priorities that we give
the President the unbridled authority to preempt any television program, even
during prime-time.
If at first, you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is surprised?
Whenever someone asks me what two plus two equals, I just shake my head and laugh at them for asking such a dumb question, even though I really don't know the answer. What gullible fools.
I think gods don't smite people anymore because people of many different religions now live in the same town. No god wants to accidentally smite the wrong person and get sued by another god.
Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stoplight, I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works, 'cause the light always turns green.
One day, I'm gonna finally get up enough courage to actually go skydiving, rather than just being thrown out of the plane like last time.
I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach.
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
No matter where you go, there you are.
'You cannot enlighten the unconscious.
T-shirts
Over the outline of the state of Minnesota:
My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
(Around a picture of dandelions)
I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
Spotted at a gay pride parade:
My Son Just Came Out Of The Closet
and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
On the front of the T-shirt: < Picture of an open Bible > On the back of the T-shirt: When All Else Fails, Read The Directions
On the front: Yale Is Just One Big Party.
On the back: With A $25,000 Cover Charge
Aboard a passing motorcyclist:
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off ...
Liberal Arts Major.... Will Think For Food
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends
I Used To Be A Schizophrenic, but We're OK Now
If I Had Known Being A Grandparent Was So Much Fun, I Would Have Done It First!
I Speak Fluent Patriarchy, But It's Not My Mother Tongue
What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About?
Coffee, Chocolate, Men.... Some Things Are Just Better Rich
Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen!
IRS - Be Audit You Can Be
If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen
First National Bank Of Dad; Sorry, Closed.
The Old Pro....Often Wrong....Never In Doubt
In Dog Years, I'm Dead
It's Hard to Be Nostalgic When You Can't Remember Anything
Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off
I'm Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like Night
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order
Old Age Comes At A Bad Time
In America Anyone Can Be President. That's One Of The Risks You Take
If you think computers are a great invention!
In March 1997, a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received
a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw
that one away too. The following month the credit card Company sent him a
very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send
them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it
was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his
account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the
first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases
he found that his card had been canceled.
He called the credit card Company who apologized for the computer error
once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day
the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company
would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days
to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the
debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own
game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account
and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company
nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that
the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank
could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because
the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month
the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check
had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by
return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who
had been considering buying his wife a Computer for her birthday, bought her
a typewriter instead.
22 Signs That You've Had Too Much of the 90's
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle
soup to see
if it contains echinacea.
11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox, asking you
to send
her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
to see
if anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a website address
at the
bottom of the screen.
15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date
and now
sells for half the price you paid.
16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or
debit, to
make a purchase is foreign to you.
17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food
bags out
of the back seat of your car.
18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do
not have e-mail addresses.
19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
Goofy 9-1-1 calls from the new book "What's the Number for 9-1-1?: America's
Wackiest 9-1-1 Calls" by Leland H. Gregory III (Andrews McMeel Publishing)
Caller: "These bee-droppings are ruining my roof!"
A woman dialed 9-1-1 in the middle of a rainstorm to ask if police could give her a ride to avoid getting her new hairdo wet.
Caller: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
Paramedics, responding to an "abdominal evisceration," arrived at the caller's residence to find a 13-year-old boy lying on a bed. They quickly examined the boy but could find nothing wrong with him. When they asked why he had called 9-1-1, the boy told them he had "stuff" coming out of his navel. Further investigation revealed the "stuff" to be belly-button lint.
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Fire or emergency?"
Caller: "Neither. My son was bothering me. I just wanted to let you know."
Caller: "Can you tell me when the next earthquake is?"
Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, La., called 9-1-1 to report that her husband was preventing her from watching "Knots Landing."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "9-1-1. Please state your emergency."
Caller: "Yeah, am I talking to a real operator or is this a recording?"
Dispatcher: "This is a real operator. Please state your emergency."
Caller: "Are you sure you're a real person? You sort of sound like a
recording."
Dispatcher (irritated): "I'm a real person, sir!"
Caller: "OK. Now you sound like a real operator."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Are you conscious?"
Caller: "No."
A man in La Vergne, Tenn., called 9-1-1 to report that his wife was pouring all his beer down the drain.
Caller: "My phone doesn't work."
9-1-1 Dispatcher: "Fire and ambulance."
Caller: "Yes sir, I need an ambulance for my son. He has his finger stuck
in a Hot Wheels car."
Dispatcher: "I'm sorry, sir. Is this an emergency?"
Caller: "Well, it's his favorite one!"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little
Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw
to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And
what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said "'Holy
SHIT! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A Prank backfires
At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year the staff decided to pull a joke
on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone
else.
When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found
his Lotto ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress
to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know
the night's Lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting
the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet
and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket
and sat down again breathing really rapidly, and looking totally blown away.
After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket
again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink,
stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room:
'I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair
with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working
for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cos I've just won a shit-load of
money, and I'm leaving!'
End of job.
End of marriage.
End of story.
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both accidentally shot by a woman aiming for the president of Exxon Valdez inc.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a woman in order to nag her constantly and study her reactions. After weeks of needling, she snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her roomate in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all 2000 of them, were released by a woman through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
6. Her friend was an Iraqi terrorist. Khay Rahnajet didn't
pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender'
stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.
7. I am that woman.
Here's a tip, Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
Latin Phrases
cogito ergo doleo.
I think therefore I am depressed.
sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.
ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum
immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock
at your head.
illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.
radix lecti.
Couch potato.
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island
Non possum credere me totum edisse.
I can't believe I ate the whole thing.
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Noli habere bovis, vir.
Don't have a cow, man!
Puto vos esse molestissimos.
I think that you are very annoying.
Veni, vidi, territus sum, curcurri!
I came, I saw, I got scared, I ran!
Veni, vidi, volo in domum redire.
I came, I saw, I want to go home.
Tua consilia omnia nobis clariora sunt quam lux. Tu delenda est.
All your plans are clearer than light to us. You must be destroyed.
Odi brassicum.
I hate broccoli.
Quo usque tandem abutere patentia nostra?
How long are you going to abuse our patience?
Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.
If you can read this, you are overeducated.
Ille sine toga per viam curret.
That man is running through the street without a toga.
Ecce potestas casei.
Behold the power of cheese.
Ubi est bibula?
Where's the beef?
Tu gestas mei cuniculum.
You are wearing my rabbit.